Trigger warning: this post will talk about suicide in depth. I will talk about my suicidal thoughts, plans, and intentions. Reader discretion is advised and if you’re going through this right now please remember you can call the Samaritans night or day on: 116123.
When I say I’m suicidal I don’t always mean I am going to kill myself. Sometimes I’m suicidal in the sense that I wish I would die without suicide, i.e. I wish I would get hit by a bus or have a heart attack. Other times I am suicidal without intention, otherwise known as suicidal ideation. I love the idea of being able to end my own life, I know exactly how I would do it, and I think it would be a lot easier but the intent isn’t there. It’s just a thought, a plan, but one that never gets followed through. And then of course there’s been completely suicidal, where the thoughts and plans are there with a whole lot of intention. I go through every single aspect of being suicidal on a regular basis and today I’m ready to talk about it.
Because I suffer with emotionally unstable personality disorder (borderline personality disorder) I really struggle with regulating my emotions. Small things have the power to make my extremely happy or extremely sad, and this means my moods yo-yo all day everyday. I feel a lot more deeply than a “normal” person would and it’s because of this that I can feel a chronic emptiness. It’s a really difficult disorder to explain and it effects each patiently differently… I’ve listed the symptoms below however, you only need 5 of these symptoms to be formerly diagnosed. Do not self diagnose.
- Fear of abandonment.
- Unstable relationships.
- Unclear or unstable self-image.
- Impulsive/self-destructive behaviours.
- Self harm.
- Extreme emotional mood swings.
- Chronic feelings of emptiness.
- Explosive anger.
- Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.
And although not mentioned above splitting/black and white thinking is a major symptom amongst BPD sufferers. We can go through phases of loving a person too much, to hating them for no reason, this is splitting. For me I’ve had every single symptom at one point or another but the ones I am struggling with most at the moment are; fear of abandonment (which is a relatively new thing for me), unstable self image, extreme emotional mood swings, chronic emptiness, explosive anger and feeling suspicious of reality. Dealing with these symptoms on a daily basis is proving rather difficult especially coupled with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia. Put simply, it’s not fun.
So with all this going on in my head I can be very suicidal. More often than not it’s just a passing thought that it’d be nice if all of this would end, and nothing more. But more recently it’s been a constant weight on my shoulders that I need to get rid of, which when coupled with stress within my life has meant I’ve been on the brink of ending it all in the last few months. I just get to a point where I feel like I’m underwater and I can’t feel anything physical. Everything I do to feel something is either numb or a dull ache, if I touch my own leg it’s numb, if I bite my lip it’s a full sensation. I feel nothing. I feel like I’m in a dream and then all I can hear is my own thoughts. It sounds so cliché but I don’t hear the TV, or my phone, or the cars passing by, it’s just my head going crazy. And then I’ll cry, a horrible hysterical belly cry, that comes from the pits within, and I just sob away. Until the emotional pain I feel just overwhelms me and I’m like, no I need to make this stop now. So I’ll plan it all, I’ll start writing letters to my loved ones, still whilst crying. I’ll put my Mum’s funeral song on repeat, and I’ll have a picture of her out. I get all the medications out that I have and I’ll count them to make sure I have enough and I’ll get a drink ready to take them. And as I sit there blubbering away with everything set I just lose all power over myself and can’t move. I freeze still crying away. Something stops me and I don’t know what because it’s not that feelings gone. That empty pit in my heart is still there aching away, and I still want to die, I just suddenly lose the power to do it to myself.
I’ve had a few instances like this since January, life’s just been throwing me a lot of curveballs that I’m not sure how to handle. I’ve been really unhappy and I’ve not wanted to admit it because I felt like people who didn’t like me might relish in my misfortune but acceptance is part of healing I guess. I accept that I’m not okay right now. But I also accept that this is temporary. For 11 months I was unequivocally happy, and I’ve never felt so free and alive. I know that with time and work I will eventually get back to that point. In the meantime my blog might not live up to its full potential, and my social media may be quiet but if anybody has read this and thought “yes me too” then my DM’s are open to you all. I would actually love to be able to offer advice to others because it helps us learn a lot about ourselves. Or equally if you have any advice to give me you can DM me or leave a comment. Suicidal thoughts/intentions are nothing to be ashamed of and talking is the first step to healing.
“Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can.”